An Old Foe...

I often question myself, my motives, where my heart is, what things I should be changing, how my responses could be better, and if I'm being who I should be. This is a 2 tiered question for me right now. What I mean to say is, Christian or not, everyone can ask themselves these things, and most probably should. I ask myself am walking in and becoming who God created me to be, my destiny. And then, the next thought seems to be unrelenting and terribly sobering. I then ask, "Am I a good person?", almost as if it is something far aside from my Christianity. What is so disturbing is that, in Christ, really, truly, in Christ, this question should not even be possible. Even more disturbing, is that if this question is indeed possible, was I ever really in Christ? Of course the swift answer is yes, but what of the truth? Is the question itself basically selfish? I question the whole thing because "Am I a good person?" so generously lends itself to such base self indulgence, that mask themselves as "spiritual, God pleasing, and reflective questions". What I mean by this is that as soon as I begin asking this, I am also asking things like, "Am I being effective in the Kingdom?", "Is anything I'M doing having any effect on anyone's life?", "Can I bring change to where I am at?" It is not that these questions are always selfish, it is that my heart in asking them is not always right. It is that I, as I am, cannot do anything to effect anything positively for godly change. I am but a wretched man, who needs be but transformed by the awesome, holy, and transformative power of Almighty God.
It is here that the apostle Paul's word have rung their clearest...for me to live, this is Christ, and for me to die is gain. And it connects here because it is not I that lives, but Christ in me. For me to live, I should be showing the world in vivid detail, Christ, as He was...and is. His manhood, His divinity, His life, in the simplest terms...through my own. For me to die, it is gain, in physical death, I have but one destination, Heaven, for it is my home, where in all finality our humanity is fulfilled and restored to its original intention. But to die...now, to me, to myself, this is not only personal gain, but profitable for all around me. Because it is only through this death, that not only I, but other might have life, and more abundantly. It is only through a putting down of my flesh, that other's may see Christ in me.
There is no small task in the subjugation of one's self. The physical and spiritual collide more than we care to notice, either because we are desensitized, or because we don't care. Putting down one's self to me, appears to be no different than one wrestling himself, or wrestling when no one else is to be seen around. To anyone that does see, who does not have the proper eyes, it appears to be a fool fighting with himself. But those in the know, understand that the more they practice, the better they get.